Acting like a CLOWN!!!

Ok, I'm truely fucked up with this kind of feeling .....
It's really stupid being a clown in front of people that doesn't appreciate you .....
This is because,I am that kind of stupid people ...keep on acting  that I am fine I am ok ...then keep on tolerate ...find chance to build up the relationship again .....but ,people doesn't care about it !!they doesn't bother it at all,and still stabbing behind me!!!
So,as i said ...im a fucking stupid clown !!!y im doing this ???cause i don't want to lose anyone of u!!
And it is really disgusting when someone that is so close to you ....keep on stabbing behind you ...and smiling in front of you ...like really so close ...and act like she or he is so care about you...
OMG!!!! DISGUSTING !! NAUSEATING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So，please cut it off!!u r so DISGUSTING !!! and u made me feel that im disgusting too!!!!
this really make me sick ...and i cant believe that ...i have this kind of friends..is friends not friend ...so not only 1 !!!!! really,it really killed me in the first place!! I was like ...going to collapse when I knew the truth !!

The one that I protected the most , you ...I just don't want to admit what u have done to me ...
Really, u are so innocent ...n i treat u just like a sister ..i even pampered u , but u done this to me !!
Do you know how hurt is it ??Whenever I see u ..i was like ....don't know what expression should I give u and I just don't know how ....It's torturing me ..indeed!!!
I was feeling to tell you i knew everything ,please stop doing this to hurt me and hurt yourself! U are not a girl like this ok, u should be kind and good ...but ...u are acting like so ...omg ...even dough u done this to me, but i don't want myself to hate u ! cause u are just too innocent even dough u done something really can't be forgive .



Yes, this feeling come back again...because we are having girls talk again >< with my rax and chageyo @@
Whenever i talked about u all , I just can't control my tears ....
Im hurt by u all , and u all just don't know that i actually knew about it ,and still acting in front of me .
For all the while i have no problem with my friends ,but u ...u are the major culprit !!u even influence the 1 that i protected the most !!haiz.....speechless ....


To my chageyo :
haha...i know u hate people to cry ,cause u will cry too ...haha...but ,sorry ..i just can't control my little tears ..cause its really hurt whenever i talked about them .I felt sorry for talking about u before , but that time i really think bad about u >< haha....but its already a past tense .I just want you to know that ,Im so touch when u said u are coming just to save me but not seeing her ...but ,in the mean while, i felt sad too.Because we are always protecting her all the time , and u do protect her too, now , u feel that she is scary , omg ...i feel that im the one who make u and rax feel scary of her .Actually , i felt that im wrong to spit out what she had done to me ,cause , this ruined her image.I just don't know what to do, cause it's really hurts .I was like no one to count on when i knew the truth ..feel that im lost .And., i always think that everyone will stand beside her .Im so shock that u said u r here to protect me ....really !!!We are the same type of  people i think , we are so stupid !Although we knew that , people is already not caring about us , and done something bad to us ,but we still so so so so stupid !We prefer to be a CLOWN !!! omg !!!so stupid!!but ,what to do?we are just stupid like this !!But ,now i choose not to trust anyone easily ,cause im already scare about it .Chageyo,thanks for protecting me =) and i will try my best to let u feel comfort , i dont know how to console u not to be a clown ...cause i dont know how to do so too ...just let it be i guess...i guess, 1 day ,we will let it go in a better way =)



To: my rax !!
Rax!!!!why u dint cry that day ???im waiting you to cry !!haha!!! Luckily , i have u and shin !!If not ,i think i will suffer till die !!!I have no one to say to , cause they all are so good .so sad that they done this to me !Although ,time passed ,but ,it's still hard for me ,whenever i think or talk about them,  i just can't control my own emotion .U will never know how it feels ,but u have no chance to feel it !haha!Thanks for listening to me when im in a bad bad mood, but ,please try not to hate her .I feel that she is not suppose to be hate by people, she just looks like  so innocent ,she needs people to protect her not to hate her ,she just treat me like that not other people and i guess, she get influence by someone then become this way .Anyway, thanks =)
i love the way we communicate ..haha!!!





To: my ellise ....
Actually u no need to feel down for it ,cause im already used to it .Just that i cant control my tears whenever i talk or think about it .Its ok , so no need to feel bad about it ,don't feel that u can't help me .It's already enough for u to stay beside me ,tease me ,having fun with me ...its already enough .And ,it is not necessary to let people to know the real face of her , because ,i don't want she to get hurt.I always protect her ,so ,i don't want she to get hurt .Although ,i knew that people sure stand beside her , but it's ok , cause , i get hurt for zll this time ,i can bear this  kind of feel.It's really a killing pain, she can't bear it . And, if u let people know about it ,they just will think that ,u are my friend ,of cause u try to help me ,they sure won't trust u ,at last , u will get hurt.It's really very pain ,so please don't do that .Im ok , but ,to be frank, no matter how long it happened , it still so hurt to me ,cause , the way they treat me is really  cruel and so mean .So, please don't do something that will hurt u in order to help me, cause she is too good and perfect  in the others' heart , u will get scold or have hard feelings , and u can't bear the pain .I know u feel bad that u can't help me , but .as long as i know your thinking ,it's already enough =)